“It sounds like you are describing a nervous breakdown.” said my doctor.
I think it comes down to this limiting factor... the micro-adenoma (small tumor) on my pituitary gland. The tumor can cause hormone imbalance and put Cortisol (the fat storing hormone) into the system, among other problems. Or am I just losing my mind?
We think we can handle anything with the right amount of willpower... but our brains require rest, just as our body does. Working non-stop, to try to get ahead (which hasn’t worked), my brain is on serious overload and is short-circuiting.
Stress complicates the brains ability to process short term memory.
Ever since I can remember, I hated going to the doctor bc it was without fail, after numerous tests and questions they would say,
“Kerri, are you stressed?”
I’d then cry to my mother, “MOM, I’m not stressed!!!
I really do feel this pain that they claim has no definitive cause, that doesn't exist.”
...i don’t even know where to begin, but I can start with why I was at the doctor in the first place. Possibly my medicine wasn’t working? Honestly, generic simply is not the same as name brand.
Excruciating pain in my head, like someone whacked me with a hammer, is one symptom. In addition to feeling like my skull wants to explode, it’s been almost impossible to tap into my brain, as though all my knowledge; the information stored in my head is stuck in a box, my mind is blank and I can’t seem to recall much! My thoughts have been escaping me, they simply leave mid sentence while conversing or presenting in some fashion. My stomach is so upset, nothing calms it.
After years and years of working to defeat the “label” bipolar manic depressive, obsessive compulsive disorder, I have changed the traffic signals in my head! Instead of listening to my thoughts, feelings and behaviors, I’ve argued back to create more positive results! It’s been ten solid years of addressing thoughts, behaviors and actions and I’ve taken control!
Yet, here I am about to have a system breakdown?!?! How can this be? I’ve done everything to re-direct my thinking: therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, recognizing thinking errors, limiting beliefs, growth mindset vs fixed mindset... and I can absolutely say, I’ve grown in a great way!
I was at such a healthy place, was able to go back to school and further study exercise and nutrition, learn, evolve and graduate with higher achievement and national certifications.
It’s become an obsession to understand how to use exercise, nutrition and mindset to become the best version of who we are born to be. Although my quest is ultimately to improve my personal health, I choose to coach others with what I know and learn along the way! On my quest to be healthy from the inside out, I have learned to use the power of food for healing, I have recognized the vast difference between exercising for health, training for a competition, or obsessively working without knowledge or understanding of the science behind how to achieve a health/fitness goal.
I’ve figured out how to heal my gut health, control blood sugar, improve inflammation, cleanse my liver, clear toenail fungus without medicine, and get into fat burning mode versus fat storing mode.
Yet.... after all of this...
I am a blubbering mess in my home, with my family/friends, and in my doctors office. Working so hard to enjoy life, should Not be this difficult.
Why am I falling apart?
Twenty years ago, I was in a dark place, and my brain did something similar to what is happening now: and I was forced to drop out of school because I couldn’t focus, read, comprehend... my brain crapped out.
From getting straight A’s, I went to failing!
Since then, I’ve gotten a double concussion: a ceiling beam fell on my head first, then two weeks later I landed on my head while playing backyard ball with some students. I mention the concussions, bc I had my first concussion at age 6 or so. When I think back, by self-defeating behaviors started at the ripe age of 8 years young. Could traumatic brain injury be contributing to my issues? Possibly.
Attention: I think it comes down to this limiting factor... the micro-adenoma (small tumor) on my pituitary gland. The tumor can cause hormone imbalance and drops Cortisol (the fat storing hormone) into the system. I have known about the tumor since 2014, but didn’t address it until a more recent MRI (2019) noting it has grown very slightly.
So all this work I’ve done over the years to heal, has worked! I’ve managed to lose weight when they say it’s impossible, especially on “psych meds,” I’ve managed to create new brain signals for a positive experience versus a negative emotion. I've even manage to get my "out of sync brain" back in line and working. Yet something is holding me back, keeping in this endless cycle of return to empty and overwhelmed.
My family doctor is the best. When I explained the timeline, he has been helping me through for the past twenty years, he listened, he always listens! He said, “I’m really glad you said all of this, together we will figure this out.”
Yes, situationally I’ve put too much on my plate, and along with that comes the pressure to do my best in all situations... it is time for a change!
Stress; the pressure to be all, do all, and succeed at the highest level, is literally knocking me down.
First thing coming is a schedule change, although I enjoy everyone I get to work with and everything I get to do, I simply can’t keep up this schedule.
I feel heard and supported. I am going to meet with Endocrinology and Neurology. Instead of feeling hopelessly depressed forever, I am now super determined to eliminate this limiting factor and move forward!
My fear, as it always has been, I will get pushed through and not taken seriously because I look healthy and fit.
I pray they listen to how hard I work to simply BE.
As always, be kind, don’t judge! You never know what someone else is going through! Be confident in who you are, but smart enough to realize there are many ways to get things accomplished.
We can learn something we are unable to see, when we allow ourselves to understand someone else’s perspective.
I share my story for a few reasons...
Maybe someone will read this and be able to help me from their perspective
Maybe someone out there is going through the same thing and needs to hear they are not alone.
To let all the people I've not responded to or have canceled on know I don't mean to be dismissive.
I've always shared my story, and usually it is from the point of view of having already overcome, to provide hope that feeling better is possible... So I share from the current perspective, the one where I am struggling.